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2016: my phone PBX (=LCO (USA) = TK Anlage (DE)) died &
My spare PBX is half disfunctional
  • It is playing unwanted music on every alternate call, incoming & outgoing.
  • If you get music, Either:
    • Easiest: Hang up & call again (which will get the other good working channel), Or
    • If I know you: Shout your name VERY LOUD above the music & Wait for me to look up your number & call you back
      (I have automatic extended caller ID that shows names, not numbers, so I need time to manually reverse your name back to a number!)
    • Or email me & I will email or phone back.
  • Yes I will fix both PBXs But I have been very busy. I've found I can work round it: (I have to remember to make a dummy call after each incoming or outgoing call).
  • PS: It has its amusing side: Deters waster tele marketers & criminals that fake their numbers, Particularly Indian accented criminals pretending to be Microsoft Support, who struggle to speak German, to persuade suckers to infect their MS-PCs from mal-ware `Support' sites

This is:

British flag

German flag

Via google
French flag

Via google
Other Languages,
Other services

Business Enquiries / Geschäftliche Anfragen / Pour le Travail

For business enquiries, phone my business number, please
First state you want to pay me Money for Computer Consultancy

English: For business I can speak English, German or very slow French
Deutsch: Ja, für Geschäft, können wir Deutsch reden.
Francais: Oui, pour le travail, je comprend Francais, mais tres lentment, si vous plait !

Other Numbers & Contact Data

ENGLISH + Deutsch/German + Francais/French

Unless you will purchase computer consultancy /
Ausser sie Consultancy kaufen wollen.
Me, my Company my Associates

I am NOT a free help desk !

Keine Um-Sonst Help Desk

Unless you quickly state your intention to pay me Money for computer consultancy ... Rules below apply to phoning me ! - Else I hang up.

Do Not Suppress Caller Identity !

DE: Kein Unter-drucken !

IT: Le telefonate con numero nascosto sono filtrate

If You Suppress Caller ID
  • Sometimes I do not pick up the phone.
    • (The computer also shows which of my numbers you called. the combination indicates if your call is likely a waste).
    • It avoids strangers rabbiting fast in various foreign languages, eg often Germans selling in Bavarian dialect.
    • It avoids Indian accents lieing from criminal call centres, pretending to be Microsoft, when they're recruiting suckers to browse their virus site.
    • It avoids strangers scrounging free help. - Use a free mail list, eg here for FreeBSD.
    • It avoids club acquaintances (`Bekannter') who deliberately suppress ID yet want to consume my time. - Join club mail lists & ask in person when we are both attending events I organise &/or attend.
  • Sometimes I pick Up & Remain Silent Until Caller Speaks
    • It reduces idiots, & cold sellers etc, who repeatedly call my various numbers, sometimes in unknown languages.
    • It avoids those who try by silence to force me to say first who I am, despite they already have the advantage f knowing who they dialled.
    • Friends who have old analogue lines that don't disclose ID are intelligent enough to say eg "Hallo, Fred here" to break silence.
Turn Caller ID On !
My computer shows your name (if known) from number). & can have a different ring tone for anonymous, to indicate if it's worth answering the phone.

First Identify What You Want & Who You Are

Zu Erst: Was Wollen Sie ? - Wollen Sie Mir Zahlen ?

  • Most un-recognised voices in German are phone spammers trying to sell me junk, (Unfortunate that makes it difficult to filter new customers calling me!)
    Meist unbekannte Stimmen in Deutsch versuchen mir etwas ungewolt zu verkaufen, also es ist in ihre eigen besten interesse, entweder English zu sprechen, oder erklaren sie schnell & Klar, welche Consultancy tätigkeit sie denken darüber, kaufen zu wollen.
  • Depending which phone number you ring from your end, & to which number my end, & time & day in week, & language, I take a guess if you'r yet another waster, or someone I want to talk to. That guess dictates how long before I hang up.
  • Maybe I'll say eg "Hallo" & nothing more & wait.
  • I get too many junk sellers phoning , I hang up quickly.
  • You know who you hoped to call, & what you want.
  • It's your job to identify yourself.
  • I don't need you, you need me. That's why you phoned me !
  • I happily hang up quickly unless you do that Quickly & Clearly.
  • . Occasionally callers are too obtuse or arrogant & they try to force me to identify my name before they identify their number, name, what they want, & sometimes even their language.
  • I've knows Germans British & other nationals all that daft, No loss to me when I hang up.
  • I don't give my name or any other info, until I've forced you to state your name &/or what you want. You have the advantage of me, you know who you phoned, so Identify Yourself, else I hang up.

Do NOT give your name as the first word of the call !

Zu Erst: Wollen Sie Etwas Kaufen ? Nur Spater: Was war Ihre Name ?& Firm Name ?

First word should be eg "Hello", "Good Morning", "Guten Tag", The accent also announces which language you can speak, as well as which other language you may be starting in. Do not Omit.

Some Germans think it's impolite not to give name first, certainly it was often the first word one heard. (Really Daft idea, (like they used to believe CVs should be written starting with where one first went to school). Break the convention!
I have no reason to remember the very first word you say, I won't even be Trying until I have a reason to remember a name. & I won't have a clue how it might be spelt. Give me motivation to pay attention first, (like telling me first you want to be a paying customer for Computer Consultancy. Until then I'm far more interested in remembering more important things, such as where I was up to in a complex computer development & debug session, when you phoned & broke my concentration.

My aim is to hang up fast; to keep me on your phone,
Try this In This Order:
Probieren Sie Dieses, In diese zuordnung !
  • Hallo, Guten tag,
  • Our firm needs a Unix & C consultant for ...,
    Wir brauchen einem Unix Consultant, für
  • We're based in ___, Wir sind im Grossraum Muenchen oder ....
  • The company name is ___,
    Ich bin mit Big Blue Computer Company,
  • Our web address ___
  • my name & tel. no. & email ....
    ich heisse ___.
  • NOT / NICHT ! Bauer, IOEV Irgentwas GmbH
    (My thoughts:
    • Oh! Unknown German Voice & Number,
    • Probably Yet Another Junk Seller ...
    • Best Make reasonably sure, then hang up fast !
    • "Moment Bitte !" Note where up to debugging,
    • Switch brain from English technology to German Business,
    • As usual no idea how he spells his name, German pronunciation very different to English.
    • Umlauts ? Aargh ! Bavarian or other non Hoch Deutsch accent ? Aargh !
    • Any tedious German inverted couplets of digit strings yet ?
    • Is a phone salesman detected yet, can I hang up ?
    • Is this a valued rare new customer
    • Or someone who just wants free advice, who should be phoning me in English ?
    • Is this for money ?
    • Can they afford to pay ?
    • Will they want to place an order ?
    • If not, do I want to listen ?
    • Is this caller freeloading for advice ?
    • Should he be asking if it's a convenient time to call ?
    • Should I interrupt & switch him to English if this is unpaid ?
    • Do I interrupt & tell him to call back later if unpaid ?


Rufen Sie mir an, nur im Englisch , fals sie nicht Computer Consultancy kaufen wollen.

Do not phone in German :
  • Unless you start by saying you will Buy Computer Consultancy
  • Expect me to hang up, fast ! (Most callers in German whose voices I don't recognise, are selling junk or harvesting info).
As your call rings:
  • My computer shows & logs:
    • Name (not number) of any known caller, Or
    • Number of unknown caller, Or
    • "From NotAvailable" if old analogue or withheld
    • Which of my numbers you called, eg: business/ private/ clubs/ spammed from phone book, etc.
  • If caller's number is NotAvailable
    • If a repeat caller, I may just pick up & say "Uh Huh !?" which forces caller to speak,
      • they hate that, which pleases me,
      • until then they know Both who they are & who I am (at least my number), whereas I know Nothing about them.
      • I get their language (often enough not German or English, but some foreigner) If I don't recognise their voice, & they demand to know who I am & they're not offering to purchase computer consultancy, they're wasters & get Dumped.
    • If caller starts in German :
    • If a stranger fails to start by asking to buy Computer Consultancy ....
    • If I hear Fast German from an unrecognised voice,
      • If I suspect a robotised sales queuer: Caller gets classified as: "Another Waster (aka Phone Spammer) to dump": The response varies, sometimes
      • (Sometimes I don't just hang up, I do better: I deliberately give initial answers to robot to engage the queue for human 2nd level response, then leave the phone on desk, occasionally using keys or speech to lock up their sales robot or human, so they can't waste so many other people's time as well).

    • Or I interrupt in English ""Err... Do you want to buy Computer Consultancy ?" (Which last brought a friendly laugh & response in English from German sales girl), & a friendly & quick agreement we had no need to talk to each other.
    Both techniques worth using smiley face icon as I find having my concentration interrupted by phone, to be sold at in a foreign language. by someone who hides his number, as most offensive, & worth inconveniencing them in return, to the extent, they might note my number as too troublesome to call again.
  • If clueless people phone in German, re. club events & mail lists I help run / organise, who ignore that the club's / events, my web pages, & mail list announcements I make are All in English: Well that's not exactly bright, & we aim to recruit bright people willing to use English.
If you want my time, Start in English, even if we later oscillate between English & German.
He Who Helps, Determines Which Language we start in.

& Alphabet

  • I am English - Ich spreche auch Deutsch - Aber Nur Hoch- Deutsch ! * Nur Für Bezahlender Kunden ! Ich will Kein Bayerisch Hören oder Lernen!
  • Give all you numbers in single digit strings - not German swapped digit pair format. - Bei Nummern, sagen sie einzelne Ziffern, links nach rechts, nicht Paarweise rum-gefummelt !
  • I have the usual English difficulty recognising German pronunciation of individual alphabet letters. I don't recognise umlaut pronunciation at all.
  • Use the International Alphabet (For both German & English).

TIME ZONE - Central Europe, Germany

All Berklix servers can report current time & date.


In Munich, Bavaria, Germany. Central European Time zone. TZ = "GMT+01:00" or "Germany/Berlin". 1 hour ahead of London, England. Same Summer time switch over dates as London. In (northern hemisphere) summer, London is 1 hour ahead of Greenwich Mean Time = UTC, & Munich is 2 hours ahead.

Office Hours

  • NOT available at 08:00 in Munich Germany, Do NOT phone till long after !
  • Not before 09:30 Munich time (Except where it cannot be avoided, eg perhaps from Asia).
  • smiley face icon I work London City (commercial not civil service) office hours eg 09:30 - 18:30 UK (GMT or BST) time. That's 10:30 - 19:30+ in Munich.
  • Early evening calls OK.

Americans & Canadians resident in USA

European Time Zones Are Way Ahead From All American Time Zones !
Realise there is a World out there !
& It's way off from American clocks ! Sure some pay attention, but some don't care. Here's a graphic reminder of the globe:
  Global Position Probably NOT Current,
Click For Real Global Position & Times,

earth orthographic
On the other page with current position, ... Is Europe not on the right ? Has Europe rotated well into the dark ? Is Australia edging into the dawn ? Then do Not phone Europe now ! Email &/or phone tomorrow earlier.

Phone Europe in the American morning,
not at end of American West coast business day!

I may take calls late my end, if motivated, & preferably after prior warning. It might be OK, Phoning late & trying, or by accident & saying eg "Oh is it that late your end, Are you tired ? Should I phone you earlier tomorrow ?" ... But ...

Do NOT Aggressively Phone After Midnight & Demand I Work
Examples of 2 stupid aggressive men who Failed to get what they demanded:

  • A Toronto lawyer who persisted trying to negotiate stupid contract terms after being told it was 2 to 3 AM my end. The Canadian multi-national company he worked for phoned numerous times before & after midnight for non emergencies, The CFO & his lawyer engaged in evil to avoid their company paying our team for work done. We sued & got paid.
  • A Californian Japanese programmer in a public domain project phoned & tried to force me to work immediately (unpaid) even after being told it was ~2 in the morning & I needed to sleep. I never worked with him. He too failed to get what he wanted.

Do Not Call outside European Business Hours
Unless you have already paid me or my company Money

  picture of bank notes
I No Longer Trust Customer Assumptions That The Management Of Their Company Will Automatically Pay For Work Agreed Done - So A Deposit Is Required
  • So I don't work outside European Business Hours till my company receives money.
  • No offence, but some companies are rogues, & a few at management level are dishonest & can not be trusted to stick to a deal & pay, even when a customer engineer signs off on acceptance test, & agrees the work's fine & the bill should be paid.
  • Experience: Sued & won 2 debts, + dealt with 3 other attempted rip offs in 28 years.
  • Companies usually pay their employees through hard times, as it's harder to evade paying employees than is to evade & / or delay paying external service providers So employee project managers etc may not always know if their company is short of cash.
  • Even less can I predict if some customer top manager will perceive business circumstances change, & an order he signed last week may look less beneficial now, so a top manager may provoke a problem, as an excuse to terminate contract, & pose to his fellow executives, as tough, beating up a service provider he ordered from the week before.
  • Before you phone me to work outside European Business Hours please first check your company has paid my company
  • If your company hasn't paid my company yet
    • Perhaps because my company hasn't issued a bill yet,
    • Get your company to issue my company an advance on services, some money Up Front (possibly in Escrow)
    • I & my company wont work out of hours for your company on unsecured credit.
    • Your company must front money or security.
    • A signed contract is No security, just an aggravating obligation on both sides, with option to litigate to wait years for money. We don't work for that.
    • If you want computer consultancy outside European business hours, prior to your company paying in to our account, get your local representative to go to your bank or their bank or cash machine (ATM) in Europe, & draw substantial cash or get a bankers draft issued, (Not a cheque drawn on your company account, & not a transfer that can be revoked).

Apologies For Lack Of Trust

  • Experience shows managers of some customers can not be trusted.
  • Only extremely urgent & important technical service problems might interest me in the middle of the night, (eg multiple server failure),
  • Only if you have also already paid my company,
  • Only if first payment has already been received & verified cleared funds by my company's bank.


  Global Position Probably NOT Current,
Click For Real Global Position & Times,

earth orthographic
  • Make sure your browser & gateway are not caching old pages with old times! (To check, click reload a few times & see seconds increase).
  • A "CEST" acronym means Central European Summer Time.

NO CALL WAITING (`Kein Anklopfen')

Do Not Put Me On Hold !

Put me on `hold' for more than 5 or 10 seconds , & I'll hang up on you. I will not call or mail you back, nor think further what we were talking about; Clearly you thought it was un-important, so your problem.

I Will Not Put You On Hold

If I hear a call ringing signal my end while talking to you: I will glance at the display to see name of person calling, I will Not put you on hold to talk to them, though I may arrange to speak to you later, if eg the other caller might be mobile, & you might be re-callable after.

CONSIDER FACE TO FACE Instead. It May Be More Efficient ?


Number below obscured (*) to disrupt spammers.
_a_+_b_4_c_9__d__8_ e_ 9__f__2_ g__6_ h_0_i_ 2_j_ 3_k_2_ l_7_m_ 6_ n_
Higher priority phone numbers are available once your company has made first payment to my company.

Business enquiries welcome. The number is a normal ones, Not an expensive support tarif, Phone company does not pay owner a rebate when people phone.

Alphabet For when German & English speakers confuse each other with pronunciation ;-)

(*) Maybe latter I might obscure my number with a better technique, using eg a: Captcha, but spam robots have already cracked some, & humans do not like them, so it seems unlikely.

Call Rates & Call Back

I am on a normal (non premium, non {mobile=cell=handy} line.
If business just call me. If you'r a friend Not calling from a premium rate or {mobile=cell=handy}, I can call you back if you remind me (per flat rate of Deutsche Telekom "CountryFlat(1.4)" (Tarif price 3.31 + mwst = 3.94 Euro/month at March 2011, for "Die Flatrate fürs benachbarte Ausland, USA, Kanada, Australien und Westeuropa"), to any normal terrestial (non premium, non mobile) in
America = USA, Andorra, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, France, Germany, Great Britain inc Isle of Man & Channel islands), Greece, Ireland, Italy, Lichtenstein, Luxembourg, Monaco, Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Portugal, San Marino, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Czech Republik (Tschechien), Vatican City.

DTkom link to "Übersicht" = over view
DTkom link to "Tarriftabelle" = Tarif table Shows:

  • USA & Canada mobiles as 0, yet Britain & Austria as 28 cents/min. !
  • Doesn't list Deutschland, which would have been useful to see mobile rates to Tkom's & competitive nets, (info removed to some other page as not foreign I suppose).
  • Not sure about calls to premium rate numbers in other countries eg UK 08 "You have just been serviced ;-)" numbers.

Email, Mobile, Sms & Fax Numbers

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